I said I would write about my transition and stages of coming to terms with HRT withdrawal as well as the the lead up to surgery in my last blog post; and tomorrow I embark on the next phase of this physical transition.
The last 6 weeks of not being on oestrogen I thought would be a lot harder than they actually have been. If anything the physical elements have only been hot sweats, yes I’ve been going through in effect a mini menopause. The removal of female hormones has meant my body is a furnace at times for no real practical reason.
I now have an inkling of another element of womanhood and it’s been bearable but very strange. It’s weird as well as because this was something I had no idea would happen. None at all.
I had my daughter over the Easter and I was talking to her about the build up to surgery and the removal of hormones. She asked if I would have to go cold turkey? (she’s 11 but has wisdom way beyond her years). I said no, as I thought she would be worried about me. Her response was good. That’ll be really difficult for you.
She’s right, it has been. I’ve never felt so little like myself whilst being myself. I know this sounds weird but the whole thing about HRT for me is that it’s given me more feminine shape, outlook and response to life. That’s been stripped down to pre-HRT levels now.
I’m much quicker to temper now, as I was then. But I do calm down much quicker and am more aware of it. It’s been part of learning to get to know my body again.
I’m also lucky my fiancée is so patient, so kind, so understanding. It’s meant I have support not judgement – as I have in the past. You can imagine it makes a big difference.
Then we have the big one. The operation.
I’ve had the pre-op examination, where I had to lay on a bed whilst the surgeon examined the area. That was without doubt the weirdest experience of my life to date. Having someone examine that thing so intimately, but also very quickly. He was happy so I was very pleased. No need for hair removal and further delays.
Then I had to have the pre-op appointment to discuss post-op care and go through what to expect. As with any operation I had to fill in a pre-op health questionnaire and on it I told them I have a very minor heart murmur.
I was born with and it has never affected me. I used to run half marathons (something I intend to return to once I can post-op) – and I thought it was best to disclose those.
The nurse said right there and then that another patient was going into theatre a few weeks previously and the anaesthetist detected a heart murmur she hadn’t disclosed and stopped the op. Imagine that?! So we had to do an ECG and it was all normal, my resting pulse being 50-56 bpm, means I’m pretty healthy anyway.
She said she would send the results to him and I would have to wait and see if we had to have a cardiologists report or we could go ahead. This was on the Wednesday; I didn’t get the go ahead until the next Monday. As you can imagine the waiting period was very stressful both for me and my other half.
I became withdrawn, angry, upset at the littlest of things. All the while telling everyone to not sweat the small stuff and live their truth.
I meditated, prayed, asked for the op to go ahead many times in that waiting period. Thankfully it all worked.
And so here we are. Tomorrow I travel up to London (Friday) and the surgery is on Saturday morning.
I thought I would be a lot more worried than I am. I’m rather calm as it goes.
Friends at work have asked how I’m coping with it all. How I’m preparing myself. If I’m prepared?
The answer is yes I am. I’m determined and really? I’m not thinking too much about the op itself.
I know it’ll hurt, I know I’ll have pain relieving drugs and I know they’ll look after me.
I’m thinking about all the things I can do once I have recovered. Running, swimming and of course the sex. I cannot wait to experience sex as a woman, with parts I should have been born with.
I don’t feel sorry for myself in any of this either. I was destined to be assigned male at birth. To experience the world as a man, so I could see how it is to be everything I wasn’t.
I don’t regret any of the past, it’s made me who and what I am today. I’m changing what I am to what I want to be. And that’s all any of us can ever strive to be.
I’m going to be telling you how the operation and first week went post-surgery in my next post. For those of you reading this? Thanks for doing so. I hope you learned something.
You see you can live how society tells you, or live as you wish to. The thing is, either is a choice. You just have to choose what’s best for you.